Marital Life With a Vampire
by Edlama
Summary: CH2:a blowjob well done! A parody of every Vampire book/film/fanfic I've ever read/seen, mixed into the joys of married life!How does Naruto cope being married with a Vampire? Addressing now the issue of Vampire and blowjobs! what issues? read to find out
1. A not so funny Diet!

**Written for 2008's NaruGaa ****Spamming Day !**

**Disclaimers****: If I'd own Naruto… I wouldn't be doing looong studies for a job that bores me already! XD**

**Thanks****: to my beta, CardcaptorEternity, who once again will save this story from being a torture for the eyes and grammar-trained brain of the reader. She works hard for that! (and makes me work hard too… \rubs whip scars/)**

_CCE: Monkey feathers, I'm not really gonna try to __fix the grammar in her author's notes…geez…(and I do not whip her!! I prefer mental torture…cackles)_**Ed: yeah, if mental torture is making fun of me via my grammar mistakes, she's totally into that! MEANIE! **_It's just how I express my love._

**Note****: This story is for Batty Angel. She insisted for art featuring 'clowns' and 'vampires', and as I was wondering how the f… to draw clownish vampires, **_**this**_** popped in my mind. So, thank you, Batty!**

**Warnings****: Pure Crackiness. And also, this story made fun of vampire folklore and stories in general, so don't be mad at me if you're a rabid Vampire Fan! I like them too…it's kind of a homage. Yeah, a parody one. \sweats/**

**And also, there's an allusion to violence made on clowns. So if you're a clown lover…**

_O.o Clown violence. It's the clowniest!! Lol…I watch too much Avatar…speaking of which, it's back on tv --walking ad--_

**Marital life with a Vampire:**

Spring nights could be unnaturally cold in Konoha City. And yet one window, the only one in a mass of towering buildings, was mocking the coldness of the night air by staying opened. Alas, a vicious blast was not amongst the most dangerous things that urban nights could hold, _especially_ in Konoha City. A closer look in the apartment with the open window would prove that.

Through the window, one would be able to see a small bedroom that was brightly illuminated by the full moon. A bump was visible in the left side of the double sized bed, indicating the presence of one person. Except for a slight rising and falling movement from the bump, and the slight fluttering of the curtains, everything was still.

The curtains suddenly breezed forwards, and the room darkened visibly. Then a tall shadow moved away from the window, letting the light it was blocking invade the place once more.

The moon's light uncovered the shadow as the figure of a man with pale eyes, unnaturally pale skin and spiky red hair. He was wearing leather pants, a blood red shirt and a black jacket. One would say that he was 'dressed to kill', and unfortunately that was _literally_ the case.

Or rather, that would have been, a few years ago.

The redhead man spared a careful glance toward thebump lying in bed, and began to silently make his way through the room. He stopped when he reached the side of the bed where the man –as it was a man, young and blonde haired- slumbered. The predator of the night eyed him hungrily and silently lowered himself until his face was inches away from the sleeping man's.

Then he slightly pecked the blonde's cheek and tiptoed to _his_ side of the bed.

The Vampire –Gaara- walked across Naruto –the blonde man-'s flat, taking off his jacket and boots. By now he knew every creak and squeak the wooden floor could make so he was quite silent. He closed the window, annoyed at the slight thumping noise it produced. It bothered him to no end that he had to slink through the window of their own apartment like a common thief, but even at night it was too dangerous to pass the main entrance of the building.

Indeed, the architect had the unfortunate idea to plaster the hall with mirrors, which made it near impossible for Gaara to set foot there. If someone were to walk in while Gaara was still here, the person would immediately feel his brain trying to split itself in two halves.

There would be one half of the brain calmly informing its owner that according to the information delivered by the eyes, there was a tall redhead standing in the Hall.

The other half of the brain would, in a bit of an alarmed tone, inform its owner that according to the eyes _and the fucking mirrors_, there was nobody in the Hall.

And during that schizophrenic moment, above it all there would be the primitive, I-Will-Survive part of the brain that would shout to _just get the fuck out of the building_ _already_.

Besides, the janitor was a friggin psychopath. Last time he had tried to sneak in through the normal entrance, the madman had emptied a full spray of D-Bug Tox® right on his face. True, he was in his bat form then, but what kind of barbarian would treat a cute Pipistrelle that way? He should have put PETA on his case.

After hanging his jacket, he proceeded to peel off his pants, wincing all the time at how fucking _loud_ leather was. He would have gladly ditched what was considered to be the Modern Vampire Attire (leather pants and all), since he used them only on typical Vampires Hunt Field (nightclubs and bars). However going to nightclubs to feed was now a big NO NO for a jealous Naruto, and it was not as if he needed leather pants outside of that didn't he?

On the other hand, Neji Hyuuga and the Uchihas were already frowning upon his recent change of behaviour; he did not need to be caught roaming the night wearing _sweatpants_.

Once nude, he quickly put on his Batman PJs (a gag gift from Kiba who, like all of Naruto's friends, was freakishly accepting of the whole Vampire thing) and slipped in the covers. Since he had fed he was all warm, and Naruto immediately tried to tangle his –cold- feet into his legs. But it was because of him that his husband had to leave the window open, resulting in an unusually cold bedroom, so he did not protest. He did kick the frog-shaped hot water bottle out of the bed, though.

That was one of the things of marital life: compromises have to be made, all the time. Naruto had to put up with his nightly absences and having to leave the window open, and he had to put up with cold feet and a frog themed bedroom.

Gaara smiled in the dark. He had never been happier in his whole Undead Life.

Of course, some compromises were harder to make than others: take the biting, for instance. After witnessing one of his 'feeding' sessions, and the…interesting effect it had on his prey, Naruto had made his point known, very loudly: no more biting young – and questionable- virgins (_"I don't care how wide they open their windows or how frilly their nightgowns are; ya ain't sticking yer mouth on those stupid flirty cows anymore 'ttebayo!")._

When he had asked if that meant he could still hunt men in clubs, the answer had been as vehement _("Hell NO!"_). The vampire had pleaded that it was traditional, that he was not affected himself, that he loved Naruto and only him, that the Queen of The Damned would not been pleased if he changed his ways, but his jealous, –and irate- husband had refused to concede that point.

Now he realized his mistake, typical from all stunt men with little experience in relationships like him. He should have argued that he loved Naruto and only him, before mentioning all the 'logical' arguments that never helped to win in a lover's quarrel. And he shouldn't have bothered to mention his Clan Leader, Naruto was not impressed by her. He couldn't blame him, _nobody_ took a Queen of the Damned with pink hair seriously.

The trouble was that since Gaara would not allow himself to feed on Naruto's blood, they nearly reached an impasse. The redhead did not want to drink from animals, because it would take days to take all the hair out of his teeth and besides, it was not as nourishing as human fluids. He was able to control himself enough not to kill his prey, but Naruto didn't want him to feed from children and for Gaara, an old person's blood was as inviting as flat beer.

It was a lose-lose situation. On one hand, he had a very precious person he did not want to be unhappy because of him, and on the other hand, if he did not drink blood regularly he would, well, not die, but suffer from very tedious consequences.

It was rumored amongst the vampires that if one went without blood for too long, they start losing their hair and their frames became progressively twisted and bumpy. Gaara had the occasion to verify that first-hand: he once underwent a 'rebellious' period in the late sixties (as it was fashionable then) and, rejecting the Vampire Code, he stopped drinking blood.

He still hasn't managed to grow his eyebrows back.

He shifted a little, raising his hand to slightly caress the blonde's cheek. It has taken days of discussion and arguing, but Naruto has finally agreed that he could continue feeding from humans. But the only way to appease his jealousy was to promise that he'll feed only from the most unattractive embodiment of human physique, born to be forever ridiculed and scorned.

Naruto's eyes opened and he smiled at him. Gaara retracted his hand guiltily. He loved it when his boyfriend was awake to greet him once he went back, but he did not like being the one to wake him. He could go on with little sleep, but not Naruto.

The blonde drift closer to him, nuzzling his cheek, and Gaara let go of his guilt to fully enjoy the happy place that was Naruto's arms.

But suddenly the redhead felt his lover lean back a little, and warm puffs of air tingled on his cheek. Naruto was laughing.

"What is it?" he asked. Being a vampire and the epitome of sexiness apparently did not prevent one from feeling self-conscious.

"Oh, love," Said Naruto, trailing his fingers on Gaara's cheek and raising them in front of his lover's eyes. The pads were white from what Gaara knew was face paint. "Apparently you still can't eat cleanly".

The redhead frowned and rubbed his face, slightly miffed. Not only his new food was demeaning as prey for a vampire, it was also dirtying.

'_Bloody Clowns.' _

The End

**I hope that made sense, in a non-sense way! **

**The 'common pipist****relle' is a kind of very small bat that can be found around my place. It's very small and mega-cute (what else for Gaara-chan? XD)**

**And yeah, the Queen of the Damned is Haruno Saku****ra. (which explains why the Vampires in her Clan are Uchihas and Hyuugas… she kind of love the dark, brooding type)**

**You'll find more about her, because I fully intend t****o write a bit more on that married vampire theme (and still in parody) once my exams are over! I had too much fun writing this first one-shot! I also must write about how our lovebirds met. Trust me, it's teh cutest thing evah!**

**Next! : Enter the Queen of the Damned: Meeting the in-laws!**

**Or**

**Next! :**** The Prince and the Pipistrelle: In the hands of my savior! (or, more simply: how they meet)**

**Good NaruGaa Day to you all!**


	2. A blowjob well done!

****

HanChan, thanks for pointing the errors... it made me realise I had not upload the right text! \slams forehead/ (which proves, definitely, that I wouldn't be able to recognize a grammar mistake even if it does kung-fu on me)

**Hee, update of my **_**other**_** WIP, or should I say, series of one-shots about the married life of Vampires. Can you believe that no one ever addresses the issue of Vampires and blowjobs? What issues? Well, read to find out!**

**Thanks to CarcaptorEternity, who not only betas something awesome, but also get my butt in gear. (I started to type that just because she was bored with her homework)**

_**CCE-Homework can be sucked dry by vampires.**_

**And yes, I realise that despite the title, there is technically no blowjob performed. Humor me, I love tacky titles.**

_**And tacky nicknames. dodges a grapefruit**_** :O**

**A Blowjob well done!**

Despite being a vampire of great powers, Naruto knew that Gaara sucked mightily at everything based on mind control. Regardless of the fact that the Queen of his clan, Haruno Sakura (or 'Mom' as she wanted to be called), was a specialist in mental manipulation who had thoroughly tried to form him in that art, the redhead never got the hand of it.

This was probably due to the fact that to control someone's head, one has to understand at least a bit how the human mind works, and in that regard, it can be said that Gaara had about as much empathy as your average dead sea urchin.

Still, Naruto privately thought that it took one very fucked up mind to be able to fuck up someone else's. Having one conversation with the Uchiha brothers, the best mind controllers of Gaara's clan, was totally proving his point. And it was not as if the blond minded that deficiency. In his book, having a husband with supernatural strength and the ability to levitate was so much more useful around the house. Gaara could easily reach high placed objects and quickly pop open pickle jars, which was more helping than a husband that could brainwash you into believing that you don't _really_ have a migraine.

Naruto smiled and moaned when Gaara's teeth nipped at the sensitive spot under his ear. Of course it was not as if the redhead had to resume to such tactics. When Naruto saw him like that, clad only in his leather pants, muscles of his chest flexing under that pure and white skin of his, his red hair messier than ever… it took all the blonde's willpower not to jump him on sight.

Maybe that was why Gaara never got to develop mind control: what was the point in sweating over a difficult technique when one heated look from those pale blue orbs was enough to freeze the prey down? When one hunted in nightclubs, Playboy Tactics usually were more than sufficient.

Gaara let go of his ear and turned back to his mouth, kissing him deeply, and the blond felt the tiny rush of excitement as he tasted blood on his lover's breath. It was wrong and he really should ask for Gaara to brush his teeth afterwards, but feeling the blood of his last prey reminded him that the man between his thighs had the power to snap him in two, if he so wish.

And some small, dark and well-hidden part of Naruto found that incredibly arousing.

The redhead's mouth began to journey lower, nipping and sucking and licking and generally turning his lover in putty. Aroused, happy putty.

"Ga –AH-raa!" he gasped, when sharp teeth scratch lightly at one sensitive nipple, before giving it a soothing lick with the broad side of his tongue.

The tongue hardened itself into a teasing tip that flicked over the muscles of his abdomen. Naruto anchored one hand in the blood red hair and let the other grip tightly the bed sheets, his lover's mouth was killing him, going lower and lower, and his hands had stopped massaging his thighs in favour of pulling his orange boxers down….

"GUUUAAAH!! Gaara! NonononoNO!"

The blond hurriedly scurried away from his sneaky lover, tugging his pants up. The vampire sat on his heels, a slightly annoyed look on his face.

"What now?" he growled.

"What? WHAT?! I told you over and over, NO BLOWJOB!!"

Gaara crossed his arms, the slightly annoyed expression melting into an adorable pout.

"But I _want_ to give you head."

Naruto closed his eyes, needing his whole concentration to resist that siren's call.

"Gaara, I love you" he pointed at the redhead's mouth "but there's no way in hell I'm putting my dick in that razors nest of yours."

The Vampire self-consciously swept his tongue across his teeth. They were indeed very sharp, as the job requires. "I'll be careful." He promised.

His blonde lover shook his head and tugged at his bottom lip. " 'u an't eess me wee out huteen ee!"

Gaara blinked.

Naruto sighed and released his lip. "You can't kiss me without cutting me!" He gestured to his chest, littered with nicks, and tugged his mouth once more to show the place where a small graze was visible. His lover looked slightly remorseful.

"I can take a little roughing up" Naruto hastily soothed him. He pointed to his crotch. "But not here!"

Gaara frowned. "I was not really trying to hold back then… I will now."

Naruto snorted. Gaara, holding back in bed? "Nope. Too risky."

The redhead deflated, and turned his gaze away. "You don't trust me, then?"

Naruto froze. Damn vampire issues. He SO didn't want to provoke another brooding and self-doubting session. It was not healthy for Gaara, and it was not healthy for the blonde either, since it usually meant sleeping on the couch. But it was really unfair for Gaara to be so orally fixed for a vampire… even if there was some logic to it, it was as painful to witness as a cuddly hedgehog.

"Love," Naruto began tentatively, "I know you wouldn't hurt me _intentionally_ but…" the vampire gave him a hurt look and his husband back-pedaled at once. "Okay. Six months without a gash, and I'll let you."

"Four months." Gaara countered.

"Deal!" he automatically offered his hand to seal the agreement, but Gaara seized it and sent him tumbling onto his chest.

"How about we seal it with a kiss?" He purred.

Naruto happily obliged, glad to see him back to his usual mood. Gaara soon began to move his mouth back to where it was earlier. Naruto made a half-moan, half-whine when his lover began to kiss the pleasure trail on his lower abdomen.

"Gaara…" he panted. Shit. Warning tones where harder to make when aroused.

"Relax," the other breathed. "I won't take your underwear off."

Whatever comeback the blond had ready was cut short when the vampire pressed his face to his crotch. He gasped when his lover began to rub against his arousal, because he had to admit, not only the friction was heavenly, but the sight of the red head in his lap was damn hot.

Then Gaara started to lavish his clothed erection with large strokes of tongue, and Naruto's hand flew toward his lover's fine, red hair, as wetness seep through the cloth, the friction both maddening and not nearly enough for his hard member.

The Vampire used one hand to massage his balls, and the blond groaned… a sound that turned abruptly into a whine when Gaara used his _teeth_.

Naruto hissed quietly. Damn that felt good! Gaara's sharp teeth were toned down by the thick cotton of his pants, but not enough for the tingle it produced to be real intense, bordering on _too much_.

"God" he moaned, when Gaara's wicked mouth moved to the head of his member. With his lover's saliva and his own fluids, the area was now completely wet, which seemed to enhance the feelings even more.

Gaara was now alternating between using his teeth, his tongue and his hand on the clothed hardness, one hand keeping his lover's bucking hips on place. Soon Naruto was driven mad with want, but his lover kept pushing his needy hand away, preventing him from stroking himself.

"Gaara! Stop being a tease!"

The vampire gave him a smug smile, and quickly pulled down the orange boxers. Naruto's erection freed itself with a bounce, meaty and tan flesh straining toward the redhead's face, who curled one long fingered hand around the hot and leaky member. Naruto closed his eyes and let out a long, drawn-out sigh that ended in a squeak when he suddenly felt something wet and moist slide on his very sensitive head.

Gaara was lapping him, his pink tongue fluttering between his pale lips to reach the tip of his cock, then flickering teasingly down to the plump balls, where it broadened to give large, broad swipes.

Naruto clutched the bed sheets, torn between wanting to watch the very arousing sight of his lover feasting on his cock and close his eyes to better get lost in the onslaught of sensations.

The latter won when Gaara began to fist him, shallow, timid strokes at first which quickly morphed into a rapid pace and send any conscious thoughts away through his ears.

Soon Naruto started to moan continuously, his loins tightening, hips moving of their own accord and mind soaring higher and higher…

Then Gaara. Fucking. Stopped.

He continued to hump the air a couple of times before opening his eyes to watch the red head who had let go of his hardness and was looking at him with an infuriating superior air and the hint of a smirk.

Pale green eyes locked with blues. "Two months.'

The blonde gaped at him. "What? No way!"

The redhead put his elbows on his lover's knees and rested his chin on his joined hands, making himself comfortable, ready to wait forever until the other caved in.

Naruto whined, recognizing the stubborn, evil glint in the vampire's eyes. His male pride did not want him to succumb, but _the most_ male parts of his body were screaming that male pride was not going to be much of a help to soothe his aching balls later if he suddenly went _coït interruptus_.

Gaara probably thought that he was taking too much time to reach a decision. The redhead suddenly leaned forward, lips pursing, and _blew_ gently on the tip of Naruto's cock.

The ensuing shudders of pleasure that seemed to shoot right to his balls made him simultaneously buck his hips and shout 'ALRIGHT!'.

Gaara lifted a brow, amused. "Two months, then?"

Naruto nodded vigorously, his cock twitching its approval.

The vampire smirked and reached for the frustrated member, bringing his face close and kissing the tip gently before pumping it at full speed again.

Soon Naruto was skyrocketing toward climax once more, propelled by his husband's efficient hand, talented tongue and wicked eyes. He should never underestimate Gaara's ability to fuck him with his eyes alone. It was when their gazes met, just when his husband's tongue curled around the head of his erection, and the corners of his parted lips lifted a bit in a sardonic and sexy smile, that orgasm finally hit, wrenching an agonizing groan from the blonde.

His hands flew on their own accord to the vampire, one clawing at his arm while he other buried itself in the blood red hair. He gasped; Gaara was milking him gently, slightly rubbing the head of the leaking member against his mouth, his eyes never leaving Naruto's.

Feeling his all his muscles weakening under the assault of 'Thoroughly Fucked' vibes, Naruto let his body slump backward onto the bed. His mind distantly registered his husband licking him clean, and kissing his way back up. Moments later Gaara's frame was covering his, and he was once again looking at brilliant teal iris.

"Two weeks?" The redhead asked, his innocent tone belied by the mirth dancing in his orbs. That was as playful as Gaara could be.

Naruto sighed, his mind once again transported toward vampires, their telepathic and hypnotic powers, and how those would be completely _wasted_ on Gaara.

Because right now he knew that the redhead had won, and that it would be only two weeks before he would have his first try at oral sex, as the image of his husband's smoldering gaze, pink tongue and semen covered chin would haunt him till insanity if he did not relent.

And the vampire achieved that not with supernatural powers, but with his very own super-ability to be a walking sex god with eyes that shouted 'Take Off Your Pants Now!'.

He let one finger trace the 'Ai' tattoo before answering.

"Alright."

Gaara gave him a full kiss on his lips before grinning at him.

A big, _toothy_, happy grin.

Naruto felt his eyes widen and his face blanch, but he –heroically- managed to fight back the shudder, and the frightened whimper.

He was DOOMED.

-Fin-

**My first try at True Porn! (I think that 'The wonders of wanking' was more romance than porn) it was not easy, I hope you liked it! TELL ME IN A REVIEW! (Because so far, the first chapter felt like my most under-appreciated work! Not even 150 hits! \sob/)**

**Those one-shots don't follow a chronological order. Obviously: next one is going to be about their first meeting, and there's also a dinner with 'mom', which takes place before the wedding, but will be posted afterwards. (wedding for which I have absolutely NO idea yet… if you do, send them my way)**


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